He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
