I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
