There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
