I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
