Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
