he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
