i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
