man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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