my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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