My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
