and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
