I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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