It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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