I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
