So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
