thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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