i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
