I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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