Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
