He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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