I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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