a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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