I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize