im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
