I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
