No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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