did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
