He kissed a someone with a penis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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