We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
