Pants 0. Shit 1.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
