he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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