My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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