did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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