broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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