The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
