it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
