Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
