this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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