Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
