your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
