Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
