My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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