I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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