paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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