the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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