this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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