I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
