you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
