I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Enjoy the penises
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
