I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
