I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He shit in the fireplace
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
