someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
