Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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