Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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