you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
