I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my sisters under your porch take her home
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
