I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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