Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
