So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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