I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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