I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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