literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
