oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
there's paper in my vomit.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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