After last night, I could never be a politician.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
