She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
